brimaresh

Back in the day I was pretty broke - can't go on field trips or afford anything fun sort of broke. It sucked. A lot.

Now, I can do just about anything I want to -- I'm a grown-up, I work, all that fun stuff. And the thing that really sucks is when someone fantastic can't come along because they can't afford it. It's frustrating, to put it mildly, because I know that feel so bad it hurts.

Sometimes being a grown-up sucks.

One of the worst things in the whole world is a small child with headphones on, volume turned to full blast, drowning out the sound of their alcoholic father being a belligerent, hostile, terrible drunk.

Yeah, pretty sure it breaks my heart.

Lately I've been talking about one of my friends like she's a problem. You know, those conversations that start, "what are we going to do about NAME?" And it's not because she's a problem - she's bright, entertaining, intelligent, but depressed. Everything hurts, everyone sucks, can't get the energy to get out of bed depressed.

I miss her. I miss my lame, anime-loving, video-game-addicted loser friend. The one who understands when I go on and on about how fantastic Fairy Tale (a lame-o anime I'm addicted to right now) is, or would be right there with me when I get so stupid excited because there's a girl in it - more than one! - who have clothes. Who wear clothes! Like clothes we could cosplay! And she'd understand that, the desire to cosplay purely because CLOTHES. To reward that, because it's about damn time! It's so hard to find a character who wears ACTUAL clothes that isn't crossplay.

Worse - I miss the person who would get excited about things. It's been so damn long since I heard her get excited about something, anything.

And I get it. She's struggling. She's having a hell of a hard time, and a bad time.

But that means shoving us all away, and not sharing with us. It means she's shutting down, and avoiding us. It means we're not there on her worst days, her bad days. And worse - it means I miss her. A lot.

I'm having one of those years, where I intend to keep up with livejournal, but I'm being run over by reality.

I am so sorry, you guys. I know it means I'm missing things. I'm completely out of contact with half of you, because I only keep in contact via livejournal.

For a cliffnotes version of the year:
-Travel has been a big thing. I feel like if I don't do it now, I'll never get to.
-Family has been insane. I've had five room mates in the past year, and am now in the middle of moving (albeit in the same house - but it includes painting, new furniture, a lot of shenanigans)
-WORK! This is the big one. Ghost writing, so it's not something terrible. But it is time-intensive. I'm taking a lot of dictations, doing a lot of edits, quite frankly, I'm swamped. But they're doing a documentary based off the first draft, in China, from what I understand. So that's somewhat awesome.
-I met JK Rowling and got to tell her thank you for the impact she's had on my life. It lasted all of 30 seconds, but it's still completely magic and I'm so, so happy to have had the chance. Also, autographed copy of her book. It's VERIFIED and SECURE with a little electric tag thing and everything. Super fancy, mad lovely.

How is everyone else? What have your years been like? Still trekking along? Doing great things?

I have been struggling with the need to share my thoughts, and the desire to keep everything to myself. It's one of those things that I have poor balance on. I used to LJ a lot. A ton, even. It gave me a place to share the opinions I wasn't comfortable having.

I'm not sure I'm back at it, but I'm considering it. I have so many things in my head right now.

A person I respect a lot, and have worked with off and on for a long time, is really sick. They have cancer, and at their age, it’s really dangerous. Today, they were having a really bad day. Highly symptomatic, highly unwell. A lot of bleeding, a lot of tests, a lot of scary numbers. They’re sort of all alone, here, in Alaska. They don’t have family, or friends, or anyone to call. Just me.

So they did call me, and I went to wait with them, so they weren't stunningly aware of how all alone they really are.

They were scared, and I couldn’t just leave them on their own, so I went, even though I had work to do, and a dress to work on, and a dance class I was just dying to get back to. And y’know, I was feeling all these things. Scared for them. Stressed about the things I was missing. Sad, a lot of sad.

A year ago, when my little sister was going through cancer with her now ex-fiance, and they were still engaged, and they were still thinking they’d defeat the cancer, have a wedding, and live happily ever after, she didn’t have friends to help her. She had us, her family. Nobody to talk to about how she was feeling - scared, sad, overwhelmed? It must have been so horrible.

I never thought I’d have so, so many people in my life who care, and want to help, and understand.
I guess what I’m saying is, seeing someone who doesn’t have that, spending time with someone who is so much more alone than I can ever imagine, I appreciate you all so, so much right now. Because five years ago, I didn't have anyone. And today, god. So many people texted, and called, tweeted, IM'd, Skype'd, just, everything.

Thanks, guys.

P.S. Said friend is blood type A, and there’s apparently a shortage on that. So go donate blood, or something.

How much do I love my friends right now? Logged on to LJ to find story bits everywhere.

You guys are awesome.

My laptop went down, and I thought, oh, well, at least it's just the screen that's broken.

Only to find that it was the hard drive.

My external hard drive was wiped due to an issue with people backing their PS3s up on it and a known issue with partitioning the way they did that I didn't know about (because I am a nice sister, but not that nice -- had I realized... but no, I didn't, and I don't need to dwell).

That same time, all of this being found out within a day of each other, my flash drive disappeared off my nightstand and took a bath.

That's three back-ups of my work, gone. I had one other flash drive, somewhere. Where, I'm not sure. In a box, packed, in the basement, somewhere.

I don't think I've been that upset in a while. If I lose all my data because I don't back it up, that's one thing.

But when I have three fairly recent back-ups and they all fail on me? That just hurts.

Fortunately for my friends, who would have had to deal with a rather despondent me (but would have, because they are good friends), the computer people were able to work a miracle.

My hard drive lives.

Now, to overcome this irrational fear that everything is going to disappear again.

PS Yes, I now have an incorporeal backup (two, for most of my writing), as well as having the external hard drive, the hard drive from the laptop, and as soon as I am able, another flash drive.

For the curious, if I'd lost all my data, I still would have been okay. I'm one of those weird sorts that still keeps physical copies, too, when they can.

Anyone who knows this journal probably knows that my mother's boyfriend is a huge problem for me, and that half the reason I still live at home is because I am afraid if someone's not here -- me, Melissa, or Matt in particular -- Larry will hurt Michael. or my mother. He's tried to shove her down the steps, and threatened to hurt Michael before. When drunk, he'll "play" with Michael, which usually makes Michael cry because it hurts him.

Tonight, he came into my little brother's room while my brother and I were watching a movie and made rude comments about me taking up the whole bed, the whole room, and not leaving Michael any space, and maybe I should eat less. Basically, he was berating me for being fat, like he has every day for the past what, five years?

My little brother (being all of five) told his father that he needed to be nice, because my little brother is awesome and knows proper behavior, and knows that Larry isn't exempt just because he's drunk. His father, being a drunk, grabbed him, got in his face, and threatened to smack him.

I'm so sad right now, I could cry. My father is a disappointment. He walked out, and flat-up told us he didn't want us. But in everything I remember, he was in control of his actions and behaviors. He didn't snap, didn't fly off the handle, didn't get drunk and violent and in your face, and threatening. He was a jerk, but he wasn't a monster, a racist animal.

Michael will never be able to say that about his father, and it breaks my heart. And that's not something I can protect him from, and that kills me, too.

I guess tomorrow, we'll watch movies in my room instead. We'll avoid going downstairs. We'll hide, because there's a slim offer of potential safety in being unseen.

Without Word, I'm a little lost. But Scrivener for Windows and an exercise in character development is helping me get through these tough times.